We Are Reaching a New Low
OK, so we had ourselves one extremely mortifyingly/awkward moment yesterday at our company barbecue, an annual event marked by the consumption of way too much of a wide variety of liquids that have the capacity to make unborn children come out looking like this and sometimes impede our lame attempts at operating industrial equipment. And our gross motor functions, which is to say walking without falling onto things and people and animals.
You know how people tend to get loud when they've been drinking everything in sight all day? And you know how they'll be maybe talking to someone else about something that may not be suitable for the entire group, especially because there are children around, but the stereo's pretty loud so what the hey? And you know how sometimes these people will say something really awful right when the stereo cuts out and everyone hears it and these people we're talking about may want to go hide in the sandbox and maybe weep a little, if only because the three-year-old daughter of the boss/party host is standing there with half a Fudgeical and so was able to hear, clear as a bell, this sentence: “IF DISAPPOINTMENT WERE A LUBRICANT, I'D BE ABLE TO FIT A SHETLAND PONY UP MY ASS!”
This happens to other people, right?
Also, apropos of nothing, we think they should make a line of Precious Moments™ figurines depicting various rapes. Because, when it comes down to it, rapists have moms who collect stupid shit too. Just think how awesome a porcelain statuette of a guy going non-consensual backdoor on an Eskimo girl would look in a hutch. This is our second big idea of the week; the first was that someone should start a company that hides insults and swears in Braille. You know how there’s Braille in public spaces, like elevators? Where it’s supposed to say “fifth floor,” our dream Braille product would say something like, “Fuck you, Blindie” or maybe “How do you know when to stop wiping?” or “Do you think you’ll have eyes in Heaven?”