Even This Trusty Accomplice Gets Rusty

We’ve been unwell. A week-long bout of insomnia has broken us down to the point where we are not exaggerating in the slightest when we say that at present we resemble nothing so much as an anorexic panda. Earlier today a woman in the office offered us the use of her concealer to try and do something about the bags under our eyes and we very recently enjoyed a minor hallucination in the men’s room. (At least that’s what we hoped was going on: Honestly, there’s no chance that we actually just discovered human teeth in our stool, right?)

We’ve tried everything to nip this thing in the bud––cutting down on the Meth, packing a skull bong with a blend of high-resin Burmese hashish laced with finely ground Percodans and dusted with just a hint of the ashes of Robert Pershing Wadlow––but every night at about 4:00 in the ayem, our eyes fly open and we stare at the ceiling until dawn pokes her rosy fingers into our ribs. Short of a brisk round of joyless midnight fucking**, which always puts us under, we’re at a loss as to how to go about stemming the tide of unsolicited wakefulness.

In the meantime, this is the coolest thing we’ve seen on the Infobahn™ in forever. (Scroll down past whatever the hell is going on with the nekkid woman with the lobster on her crotch.) Sweet Blistery Jesus, they have the video for “T.V. Party” here. They have Johnny Thunders’ smacktastic “Chinese Rocks.” Plus: Iggy, Lou, MBV, a zillion Sonic Youth videos and that clip of “Town Called Malice “that MTV used to show all the time before someone decided that every song on the network had to be about Madonna’s Baloney Curtain.

**As we’re fresh out of chloroform, we’re shit out of luck on that score. And no, we don’t keep porn in the house, because we’re always afraid we’re going to go peace out like Hoon and our tiny sainted mother will have to go through our stuff and be confronted by magazines featuring pictures of people shoving trumpet valves up their asses. In a pinch, we’ve been known to get creative: We once utilized a box of Cap’n Crunch with a picture of Star Jones taped over the Crunchberry Beast’s face.

What.