Now We Are Six

It’s Friday and we’re busy, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t point you in this direction. In a sad and peculiar attempt at viral marketing, Nabisco is offering fans of its snack line a chance to toss some beanbags through what appears to be a toppled box of Ritz Chips that just so happens to have sprouted a darkly puckered anus. The name of the game: Cornhole.

Bwah.

It gets better. Apparently, some folks in the state that handed the 2004 presidential election to President Rain Man have invented a similar game and are looking to take it national. But the ridiculous name aside, we suppose that Cornhole’s no more ridiculous than soccer or the WNBA.

The uneasy alliance between corn chips and assholes reminds us of Frito-Lay’s experiment with Olestra, which culminated in a product called WOW! After just a handful of weeks on the market, it became apparent that WOW! was shorthand for WOW! I JUST SHIT MY PANTS! After a number of consumer complaints, the FDA ordered Frito-Lay to print the following warning on each package of its (literally) shitty chips: “This Product Contains Olestra. Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools. Olestra inhibits the absorption of some vitamins and other nutrients. Vitamins A, D, E, and K have been added.”

Turns out, in 2003 the FDA reversed its earlier decision and decided that Frito-Lay no longer had to print the warning, because the side effects were “mild and rare.”

In response, a concerned group of citizens called the Center for Science in the Public Interest had this to say: “Although underwear staining and anal leakage do not endanger consumers' physical health, those phenomena could cause psychological problems, including feelings of embarrassment and insecurity. Children and teenagers, especially, are likely to be disturbed about having dirty underwear, fearing embarrassment in front of friends and family. Snacking should be a pleasure undiluted with problems like dirty underwear.” [Emphasis ours.]

If that last bit isn’t in the Constitution, then the Founding Fathers were a bunch of short-sighted dickbags.