You Know You’re Right
Holy cats, were we wrong about this
. While we won’t back down on the essential hilarity the book afforded us in the early going, the fact that Ellis expected us to be afraid of what was essentially a homicidal Furby was the straw that sent the dromedary to the chiropractor. Also, we failed to see the horror in furniture that rearranges itself, which rather parenthetically reminds us to wonder aloud if the concept of feng shui isn’t just an elaborate practical joke perpetrated on the West by the Chinese. You can’t honestly believe that if you move your ottoman a couple inches to the left you’ll suddenly become a better person. (There’s a Dick Van Dyke joke in there, but we’re not even going to bother.) So, we stand corrected.
Which is not to say that we’re not going to derisively point and laugh at this
in much the same way we pointed and laughed at this cry for help
from last Sunday’s Style section. When a hunter stumbles across Jessica Krasilovsky’s torso in a drainage ditch, will anyone but Trip Gabriel be surprised? Jesus, people. We know nobody reads this thing to glean object lessons or anything, but there’s only one place in the U.S. that we know of where it’s still safe to hitchhike, and that’s here
. (Bonus: If a van full of stinky hippies picks you up––and they will––they will help you become extremely high.)
Oh, right, this
again. Not sure what’s more outstanding here––that a Frenchman wrote a 171-page thesis titled “Emptiness, Redondance (sic) and Vacuity: A Study of Ellis” or that he cited bits from Roland Barthes, Michel Houellebecq and The Onion
as secondary sources.
Whoops. Looks like it’s time to get back to “work.” (People often ask us what we do for a living, and while we can’t get into specifics, we can say we do a little something something at a niche publishing house called P&P, which specializes in the lucrative pets and porn markets. And no, the Venn Diagram allows for no intersection between the two disciplines. Right now we’re working on a 2,000-word piece on holistic grooming for Giraffe Fancy
; later in the week, we’re doing the captions for the bukakke pictorial in the inaugural issue of Chocolate Sailor Boyz
. Not to brag, but any time someone uses the term “parabola of man gravy,” we totally get a royalty.) Anyhoo, we leave you now with this BEE remainder:
1) Our second-favorite nonsense passage from Less Than Zero
Someone’s written the alphabet, maybe Spit or Jeff or Dimitri, on her wall. I try to concentrate on that, but I notice that most of the letters aren’t in order and so I ask, “What else is your mom doing?”
“She’s going to do this movie in Hawaii. What do you do?”
“Have you spoken to her?”
“Don’t ask me about my mother.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not?” I say again.
She finds the vest. “Here.”
“What do you do?” she asks, holding out the vest.
“What do you do?”
“What do you do?" she asks, her voice shaking. "Don’t ask me, please. Okay, Clay?”
She sits on the mattress after I get up. Muriel screams.
“Because... I don’t know,” she sighs.
I look at her and don't feel anything and walk out with my vest.