Strap On A Pair, Irving

We’re woefully ignorant when it comes to the cultural mores of far-away lands, mostly because we’re American and don’t give a shit about anything that happens outside the contiguous 48 (USA! USA!), but also because we don’t keep up anymore. What’s the use? It’s all Death To America this and Anal Jihad that, and frankly, we’re tired of the whole thing. But this whole uproar about a bunch of shitty editorial cartoons** is completely mind-boggling, mostly because––and we’re only half joking here––it makes us wonder: Don’t these people have jobs? Seriously, it’s as if people in the Middle East set things on fire and call down fatwas on motherfuckers with the sort of breezy nonchalance of someone picking up a side salad at Pret a Manger.

“Say, boss, I’ve got to run for a bit and hang a cartoonist in effigy. Fire may be involved. That deadline’s gonna have to wait.”

“Death To America.”

“Uh, yeah, D.T.A. There may be some rock throwing too, ‘K? Maybe squeeze in a ritual decapitation as well. Be back ASAP. Toodles.”

Simmer the fuck down, Oh Arab Street. You’re like millions of mustachioed John Maddens, yelling and hollering gibberish while the Al Michaels of the world try to get down to the business at hand. We wouldn’t be surprised if next Thanksgiving finds you introducing a Turducken made out of Israelis (Jewducken?). Give it a rest.

Also: The head of Hezbollah says that if they’d had whacked Rushdie when they’d had a chance, none of this shit would have ever happened. Well, yeah, and we never would have had to read that stupid fucking book about U2 or whatever it was he was trying to do.

But then: After seeing this, we think we can emphasize with those dudes a little bit. Death To Guisewite! Death to the Universal Press Syndicate!

**And no, we’re not linking to them because a) learn how to use the Internet already and b) we like the way our head looks when it’s connected to our spine.